Leaning in

I’ve spoken to a few friends lately that have been struggling with their mental health and the associated loneliness that can bring. As such, I thought i’d write a substack. I often find when I write a subsists about personal issues, a number of people will message me privately - it reaffirms the hold that stigma can hold on talking about mental health.

Some of you may know that i’ve been struggling with PTSD, but less may know that for whatever reason I slipped into mania and a side order of psychosis. This meant, for me, that feathers and animals spoke to me. Feather took on extra meaning, they didn’t just exist but were out there by someone or something for me to find. Foxes would come by and bring me messages to let me know I was on the right track . It’s been incredibly tiring and my sleep was disrupted by not just children but by reoccurring nightmares.

I am getting lots of close attention from a psychiatrist and psychologist, and while the mania has decreased and the messages are more distant, the medication has given way to my imagination and has dulled. Underneath the mania lay depression; a life without meaning and purpose in which the mania was hiding perhaps because it was too much to bear.

Some of my friends have also been poorly, and they have felt that their friends have become more distant. It’s odd how if you are unwell with something such as cancer or perhaps an injury you might get a get-well card, but if you are suffering from psychosis or mania you are less likely to get a card and more likely to be ignored.

With these friends, i’ve tried to lean in and to listen deeper. I don’t always understand their experiences but hopefully as they come out of being poorly, they remember. I’ve messaged them even though i figure they don’t want to hear from me and used the phrase that I use far too often, i’ll hold on to the hope whilst you can’t.

As as ai sit in this quieter space, I am still looking toward the future of my work. i’ve written a book called “Currency” that i’m looking to publish, along with a number of folk tales and edited a book on a guide on behaviour for teachers. I’ve also started a podcast. It’s been busy but maybe because staying still, remains ever so painful.

I’m trying to find the bridge between the vibrant messages of the past and the structured work of the present.